Guest Post: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
Dr. Colleen Long is the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and practices in the Los Angeles area under the supervision of Dr. Richard Oelberger (PSY22186) . Dr. Long works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships, body image and weight loss. She is also a featured writer on onlinedatingsites.net.
I don’t see too many people in my therapy practice who tell me how wonderful their relationship is, how much passion and fire they have, and how they just can’t get enough of each other. Those people are loved up somewhere in a restaurant, in a park, or in a bedroom - far beyond the confines of my office.
What I do see, however, are those people who find their relationship sapped of its energy. The luster has worn off and they want me to fix it. Like a local witch doctor, they expect to pay me $175 and in return, give them a magical potion which suddenly puts the heat back in their loins, the fire back in their engines, and the twinkle back in their eyes.
When I tell them, I cannot do this, the look of disappointment surfaces. When I tell them that the terms “marriage,” and “relationship” are verbs, they are really disappointed. “You mean we have to do something?” they ask, “we never had to work before, it was never this hard before,” they contend.
In the beginning, we idealize the other person. During the first six months, we are under Mother Nature’s Spell, as I call it. We are biologically hard-wired to think our object of affection is the greatest thing to walk the planet since sliced bread. With every text message, every email, every mention of their name- our brains are immediately flooded with dopamine. Like crack addicts, we become that person, the person who tries to fit in the apple of their eye’s name into every conversation, no matter how loose of a connection (i.e. “oh that’s funny you mentioned your dad, because Brad actually rhymes with that and did I tell you what funny thing Brad did yesterday?). We are basically masturbating in front of our friends and family when we do this, and no one wants to see this.
Yet, after about six months to one year, the shine wears off. What appeared as such a positive trait (he is just so laid back, it seems like nothing gets to him, I really need that in my life), becomes a negative (oh my god he is so freaking lazy, will he ever get off the couch, I can’t have this type of person in my life). We start to respond differently to the other person. No longer, do we hang on every word, providing encouragement and idolization to the other. We roll our eyes, wait for them to finish talking, so we can say what we need. No wonder that the other person starts acting differently- WE are acting differently. Yet every time, each person thinks that somehow it is the other person who has changed.
So what do we do about this conundrum? How do we bring the sparkle back? The answer- be afraid be very afraid. Well, ok sort of. Fear is the answer. According to research, it is fear that is the underlying emotion in passion- the fear of the unknown, the fear that this person might leave at any time, the fear that this person may find someone better. Passion is then, the climax or peak experience, when we are brought close to this object of fear and our needs are gratified in the short term. Think about when you’ve done something really scary and come through the other side. The feeling at the end is a rush, its exhilarating.
My advice to my clients is not to start breeding fear and discontent into their relationships, however. My advice is to become a mystery again. Take up a hobby that you gave up when you two got serious, cultivate your friendships again (and this may be difficult if you pulled a Houdini as soon as you fell in love), start doing things on your own like you did when you were single like going to the movies or a new restaurant. The goal of a relationship is not to become two halves of one whole that complete each other, but two wholes that complement each other.
